So I think I grew up poor. Not like regular, "The mortgage payment is going to be late this month" but like, one time I had to take most of the cash I made from my summer job and ride my bike to the bank to get the power turned back on kind of poor. You don't realize this kind of thing is unusual until you are older and start to think about the way you handle things in your own life. My dad worked, a lot, he had/has a good job. I can't exactly say what was going on. Lord knows I'll never ask, can you imagine that conversation " Hey why where we so poor growing up?" "Oh because I had a secret 2nd family that I loved more than you guys" (that's obviously a worst case scenario type situation but you get it). I'm not saying we were ever starving or without hot water or anything like that, and I know a pretty hefty chunk of the money went to my mothers ever growing alcohol addiction.
I don't know why I've been thinking about this kind of stuff so much lately, little snippets of memory will come rushing into my head, it's kind of scary.
In fact I don't even know why I'm writing this. Okay that's a lie, I think I' m writing this because I can't afford a therapist and this seems like as good a way as any to get it out.
Another reason I'm writing this is because Robin Williams killed himself recently, and he was one of the funniest people of all time. So I guess when someone who represents something you love so much can't handle his own demons maybe it's a good idea to take a look at your own demons.
You guys get it right?
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Friday, July 12, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
A skit I wrote.
INT. A SEMI EMPTY ROOM WITH TWO MEN SITTING ON SIDE OF THE
ROOM
ROOM
HOGAN
Send in the next one please
A man enters the room opposite the two men in chairs.
HOGAN (CONT’D)
And what’s your name young man?
TONY
I’m Tony, like the tiger.
Hearing this Hogan looks at the man sitting beside him
JONES
Okay kid, well go ahead and pick up the
copy on the table and get started
whenever you’re ready
TONY
Sure,
(picks up the papers on
the table)
Rocks! When a pebble won’t do, and
a boulder is just too much! Try a
rock! When there's a door that
needs to be held open or some pesky
papers that won’t stay on your
desk, use a rock!
JONES
That was great, think you could go
ahead and read the next one?
TONY
Sure, can I just ask,what is this
for? My agent said it was a
commercial audition.
JONES
Yeah, this is for a national ad
campaign.
TONY
A national campaign for rocks?
HOGAN
Yes it is a campaign for rocks. We
are a small upstart ad agency and
we are currently looking for that
one ad that can really set us apart
from the rest. We were hoping to
find that person and that ad today.
TONY
But, rocks?
JONES
Can you just go ahead and read the
best one for us.
TONY
Sure thing. Do you need to write
down an important phone number but
your pencil point just broke? Bump
into a real celbrity like Richard
Kline and you just ran out of
inserts for your mecehanical
pencil? Try a pen! Point never
breaks and they virtually last
forever! Pens because the future is
today!!
JONES
That was great kid. You nailed it.
TONY
Thanks but, I mean pens? Not even a
company that makes pens, just
generic pens? And who is Richard
Kline?
HOGAN
He’s the actor who played Larry on
Three’s Company.
TONY
No one know’s who that is. Also
mechanical pencils, the future is
now? I mean this doesn’t make a lot
of sense.
JONES
Just go ahead and read that last
one there for us kid, you’re doing
great.
TONY
Okay. How many times has this
happen to you, you’ve got upwards
of 15 loose newspapers and don’t
have the time to make 15 trips to
the recycling, or you want to
remind yourself to get tickets to
the Ace Of Base reunion how but
don’t have anything to tie around
your finger to remind you. Try
twine! It can do both of those
tihngs and so much more. Twine,
it’s like string but better. If
string took steroid and got pussy
all day then it would be twine! So
go get twine and live the life you
deserve!
JONES
Nailed it again. We might have our
guy Hogan.
TONY
Can you even say that on tv? got
pussy all day?
HOGAN
We’ll bleep it if we have to but I
head a guy on nypd Blue say shit so
we should be fine.
TONY
Look I don’t mean to tell you how
to do your business but I just thin
these ad’s seem like a bad idea.
HOGAN
Thanks for the input kid, but I
think we’ll be just fine.
JONES
The job’s yours kid. Great job.
TONY
Great, an I just ask whats the name
of the ad agency this is for?
HOGAN
Well we are figuring that out now.
We were just going to put our last
names together. Seems like a good
move.
TONY
So what are the names?
HOGAN
Well let’s see it’s Urie Macho, Cho
Man, Juri Hulk, and me James Hogan.
TONY
So the company is called Macho Man
Hulk Hogan?
JONES
I like it.
HOGAN
Yes. That's what the business cards
are going to say.
TONY
I’m in!
Fade to black
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Do I write more often and risk diluting the final product or just say fuck it?
I'm going with fuck it.
I feel like I'm at a weird point in my life, I've never really been bothered by the way my life has turned out. In that regard I mean the fact that I am in my early to mid 30's and am still single and childless. Sure I've had chances and for whatever reasons at the time I sabotaged them. I like to think that when I'm given the chance again I will be in a better place personality wise and will be able to resist those urges,(on the off chance that someone reading this is a potential suitor, I make no promises). To the ones from my past who are reading this to whom this may apply, yes I sabotaged it, it's where I was and who I was at the time, I am truly sorry if any of my actions had a negative effect on your life, but back to the original point.
I feel like I am in a part of a weird generation. Obviously we are raised by our parents who were raised by their parents. So as a man ( I think you should know I typed kid there and then changed it to man, as a 33 year old I feel that is a proper moniker, but I really don't like it) born in the late 70's-early 80's I was raised by parents who learned from people born in the first half of the last century. It's just so far removed by the time it gets to the new generation. Like for instance there are people my age who have grandparents who were alive during the dust bowl. Those things are so far removed from where we are now it's almost unbelievable that those type of things ever even happen. I'm not sure what the point to this is I guess I'm just considering where I am in life, which makes me think of where my parents, and so on and so on and so on.
I guess I'm just trying to come up with a logical explanation for my terrifying arrested development/Peter Pan complex. But as it is now 1 a.m. here in Philadelphia and I can hear what sounds like no less than 25 people outside of window starting to make a commotion I realize it could be far worse. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go watch this mayhem.
( quick note I just glanced at this and noticed how many times I used the word "I". Sorry about that)
I feel like I'm at a weird point in my life, I've never really been bothered by the way my life has turned out. In that regard I mean the fact that I am in my early to mid 30's and am still single and childless. Sure I've had chances and for whatever reasons at the time I sabotaged them. I like to think that when I'm given the chance again I will be in a better place personality wise and will be able to resist those urges,(on the off chance that someone reading this is a potential suitor, I make no promises). To the ones from my past who are reading this to whom this may apply, yes I sabotaged it, it's where I was and who I was at the time, I am truly sorry if any of my actions had a negative effect on your life, but back to the original point.
I feel like I am in a part of a weird generation. Obviously we are raised by our parents who were raised by their parents. So as a man ( I think you should know I typed kid there and then changed it to man, as a 33 year old I feel that is a proper moniker, but I really don't like it) born in the late 70's-early 80's I was raised by parents who learned from people born in the first half of the last century. It's just so far removed by the time it gets to the new generation. Like for instance there are people my age who have grandparents who were alive during the dust bowl. Those things are so far removed from where we are now it's almost unbelievable that those type of things ever even happen. I'm not sure what the point to this is I guess I'm just considering where I am in life, which makes me think of where my parents, and so on and so on and so on.
I guess I'm just trying to come up with a logical explanation for my terrifying arrested development/Peter Pan complex. But as it is now 1 a.m. here in Philadelphia and I can hear what sounds like no less than 25 people outside of window starting to make a commotion I realize it could be far worse. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go watch this mayhem.
( quick note I just glanced at this and noticed how many times I used the word "I". Sorry about that)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Practicing being a grumpy old man.
I'm going to try hard not to let this turn into some sort of rant, and not let myself drone on too much, wish me luck.
So I've been thinking a lot about where we are as a society and how we got here. I'll start with where I think we are. I think we're in a bad place, like real bad. The way I would define a society is how the majority of the people that make up that particular area act and what the people in that society value. Based on that I think we are headed in the wrong direction. Now I was trying to think of examples I could use to try to prove my point. I considered popular music, like N A$AP Rocky, or Niki Manaji, but I didn't want to make it seem like I was attacking an art form (hip hop) that I really enjoy. Then I thought about television, and the easiest way to do that would be to attack reality shows. But we all know none of those are real. Then I thought about the people on those shows, one man in particular, Lamar Odom. I think Lamar Odom is the perfect encapsulation of what has happened in our society.
Lamar Odom in a professional basketball player. Let's think about that for a second. There are currently 450 players in the NBA.Now think for a second about how many high school kids play basketball, now think about how many of those make it to college now think about how many of those play in the NBA. Now of course an argument could be made for his size a forward is really the best position for him and that might change some of the statistics are far as him playing professionally but thats beside the point. Now not only does he play professional basketball, he was also on 2 championship teams, and won the award for 6th man of the year. An award only one person wins a year. I think you see the point I am making, he is pretty good at playing the basketball. However if you goggle his name (go ahead I'll wait) anything basketball related comes up third.
More people know his as being married to Chloe Kardashian. And how do people know who she is, oh yeah she is the sister of Kim Kardashian. Wait though how do people know who she is, well I'm glad you asked. She is famous for a sex tape she made with a B-list R&B singer by the name of Ray J. I would explain who he is but A. I don't want to go further down this rabbit hole, and B. I don't actually care. No wait! I remember now, he's famous for being related to R&B singer Brandy. Okay I got it now. So if you're keeping score at home it goes like this, more people in our society know who Lamar Odom is because he married a girl who is famous because her sister made a sex tape with a dude who was famous because his sister sang some hit songs 10 years ago. That's where we stand.
Also I didn't even get into Kris Jenner and how that's essentially the same story only with Olympics and an even worse woman.
So you can disagree with my opinion if you want but that doesn't change the facts. I guess the real question now is what do we do about it? I'll leave that one up to you guy's I need a drink after that.
So I've been thinking a lot about where we are as a society and how we got here. I'll start with where I think we are. I think we're in a bad place, like real bad. The way I would define a society is how the majority of the people that make up that particular area act and what the people in that society value. Based on that I think we are headed in the wrong direction. Now I was trying to think of examples I could use to try to prove my point. I considered popular music, like N A$AP Rocky, or Niki Manaji, but I didn't want to make it seem like I was attacking an art form (hip hop) that I really enjoy. Then I thought about television, and the easiest way to do that would be to attack reality shows. But we all know none of those are real. Then I thought about the people on those shows, one man in particular, Lamar Odom. I think Lamar Odom is the perfect encapsulation of what has happened in our society.
Lamar Odom in a professional basketball player. Let's think about that for a second. There are currently 450 players in the NBA.Now think for a second about how many high school kids play basketball, now think about how many of those make it to college now think about how many of those play in the NBA. Now of course an argument could be made for his size a forward is really the best position for him and that might change some of the statistics are far as him playing professionally but thats beside the point. Now not only does he play professional basketball, he was also on 2 championship teams, and won the award for 6th man of the year. An award only one person wins a year. I think you see the point I am making, he is pretty good at playing the basketball. However if you goggle his name (go ahead I'll wait) anything basketball related comes up third.
More people know his as being married to Chloe Kardashian. And how do people know who she is, oh yeah she is the sister of Kim Kardashian. Wait though how do people know who she is, well I'm glad you asked. She is famous for a sex tape she made with a B-list R&B singer by the name of Ray J. I would explain who he is but A. I don't want to go further down this rabbit hole, and B. I don't actually care. No wait! I remember now, he's famous for being related to R&B singer Brandy. Okay I got it now. So if you're keeping score at home it goes like this, more people in our society know who Lamar Odom is because he married a girl who is famous because her sister made a sex tape with a dude who was famous because his sister sang some hit songs 10 years ago. That's where we stand.
Also I didn't even get into Kris Jenner and how that's essentially the same story only with Olympics and an even worse woman.
So you can disagree with my opinion if you want but that doesn't change the facts. I guess the real question now is what do we do about it? I'll leave that one up to you guy's I need a drink after that.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Being a server.
So I work, and have worked for several years, as a server, or a waiter, or personal slave, or whatever you want to call it. It's a job I have made good money doing and I like to think I'm pretty good at. Of course if it were all that great I wouldn't bother writing this. I mean who takes the time to write a blog singing the praises of their job? Okay, maybe a professional blog writer, you got me there. Don't worry though, this also isn't going to be a bitch fest. There are plenty of those blogs out there. Think of this entry as more of a way to inform people. Even though I am just one guy writing a blog, I promise you, I speak for more people in my industry than you would think.
Where to start? I guess I'll start with the important part, money. As a server I have a unique relationship with the restaurant I work for. They pay me an extraordinarily low wage. Really low, I mean we're talking $2.38 an hour. Seriously. How can that be you ask, Ted Kennedy (r.i.p.) increased minimum wage to $7.25 right? Right, and good job on remembering that fact, Ted Kennedy did do some good things, but those laws don't apply to people working in the service industry in a tipped position. In fact once the tips I earn are figured into my weekly wage, I end up owing more taxes than I have been paid via my $2.38 an hour. Meaning I get checks that have no value, and end up owing taxes at the end of the year. Does that make sense? The government is assuming that people will tip me and therefor they don't feel the restaurant should have to pay us an actual wage.
This of course is great if people were still tipping like they once were. But they just aren't. More and more companies are using tipping less than 20% as a method of saving money. Oprah even suggested tipping less as a way to save money. Fucking Oprah said that, that's like Jesus saying don't eat pork. Shit runs deep.
Tipping should be viewed as paying for a service. You came into a restaurant, sat down, and a stranger got everything you wanted, had it made for you, and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was give them money for it. Think about that. That's some olde time king treatment shit. Every time you go out to eat. Think about it like this, let's say you needed a new muffler, now the muffler is let's say $200, but the labor to have them install that muffler for you is $150. You can't say to them, yeah I'll pay for the muffler, then when it's done I'll pay you what I want to for installing that muffler for me. Going out to eat is the same thing. The server is providing a service for you and you should pay for that service the same way you pay for the food.
Here's a really shitty example of the kind of thing that goes on in this industry. Some of you are sympathizing with the woman who wrote that. I agree it must be very hard to be a single mom. I know a few and they are some of the strongest people I know. However what is a single mom doing running up a $138 check on one meal? I mean is she really that sorry? I have my doubts.
Also I am sure some of you are asking the question, If it's so bad why don't you quit? Well consider this, if everyone who felt this way quit there would be a lot more buffet's out there.
By the way, this is just the surface. I haven't even gotten into the way's that more and more restaurants take advantage of the wait staff. Or the ways they manipulate hours, or the lawsuits pending with some of the biggest chains in the restaurant business.
So I hope maybe this educated some of you.
Where to start? I guess I'll start with the important part, money. As a server I have a unique relationship with the restaurant I work for. They pay me an extraordinarily low wage. Really low, I mean we're talking $2.38 an hour. Seriously. How can that be you ask, Ted Kennedy (r.i.p.) increased minimum wage to $7.25 right? Right, and good job on remembering that fact, Ted Kennedy did do some good things, but those laws don't apply to people working in the service industry in a tipped position. In fact once the tips I earn are figured into my weekly wage, I end up owing more taxes than I have been paid via my $2.38 an hour. Meaning I get checks that have no value, and end up owing taxes at the end of the year. Does that make sense? The government is assuming that people will tip me and therefor they don't feel the restaurant should have to pay us an actual wage.
This of course is great if people were still tipping like they once were. But they just aren't. More and more companies are using tipping less than 20% as a method of saving money. Oprah even suggested tipping less as a way to save money. Fucking Oprah said that, that's like Jesus saying don't eat pork. Shit runs deep.
Tipping should be viewed as paying for a service. You came into a restaurant, sat down, and a stranger got everything you wanted, had it made for you, and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was give them money for it. Think about that. That's some olde time king treatment shit. Every time you go out to eat. Think about it like this, let's say you needed a new muffler, now the muffler is let's say $200, but the labor to have them install that muffler for you is $150. You can't say to them, yeah I'll pay for the muffler, then when it's done I'll pay you what I want to for installing that muffler for me. Going out to eat is the same thing. The server is providing a service for you and you should pay for that service the same way you pay for the food.
Also I am sure some of you are asking the question, If it's so bad why don't you quit? Well consider this, if everyone who felt this way quit there would be a lot more buffet's out there.
By the way, this is just the surface. I haven't even gotten into the way's that more and more restaurants take advantage of the wait staff. Or the ways they manipulate hours, or the lawsuits pending with some of the biggest chains in the restaurant business.
So I hope maybe this educated some of you.
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